The raw truth and nothing but the truth and help me God

Yesterday, I had a huge “light bulb moment”. My husband and I had a discussion about some communication issues we have at the moment. We both feel criticized by each other and to be honest, feel pretty far from each other. We discussed how I feel like the kids and I are a burden in his eyes, unwanted and that he doesn’t want to be here. Then he says the most honest thing I think he has shared, ever:

“Well, as far as I remember I have felt like life is a burden”. 

This is where the light bulb was switched on. It is not the kids and I that is the problem. It has nothing to do with us – it is his struggles and demons he is fighting. I could feel the energy expanded within. A huge burden from my shoulders was released. It is not me that is not good enough, this is not my battle. I have never experienced such a clear discernment from what is mine and others – ever. There is absolutely nothing I can do about how he feels. If he feels like life is a burden, it will be filtered through that energy. Everything will be experienced as a burden for him. And I will be caught in the fire from that. But I’m not the cause of it as I have always believed.

I believe that in general it is easy to project our feelings; to feel as other people around us are the cause, because there has to be a reason for us to have that feeling, right? We look around us for the cause of our pain, when it actually comes from within and mirrored in the surroundings. Of course, not all of the time, but when unbalanced and stressed. Or has the time of the month even… For instance, when I don’t feel good enough, I project it to my husband to confirm my “truth”: That he makes me feel that way, and the vicious cycle starts rolling.

Today, we have been able to have great conversations, without feelings of attack from the other part and more close again, so I’m pretty excited about that honest but harsh truth. It is a huge relief for me.

Then next thing shows up, someone has been stealing from the fridge. Thoughts and stories shows up about who and why? Then another of my dark shadows came up: As I kid I stole some money from my parents. Lots of guilt and shame around that… You shouldn’t steal, right? Huge secret I only shared with my husband this morning after 12 years together. And now with the public. Oh well… Anyway, the point is; it is like all my darkest secrets and sides are triggered here in Costa Rica. I’m not sure why, but I really get confronted with everything I don’t like about myself.

When I started writing this blog this morning, I thought I shouldn’t write about these “negative” feelings and things which is showing up in my life at the moment. Why not? Because everywhere you look it is about being positive, come from love, being happy, successful with inner peace talk. How you went from hell to happy happy land (preferably over night). So by writing about all these “negative” things, people will think I’m such a looser, not very spiritual, intelligent etc etc. All these stories that normally shows up.

I have started to realize over the years, that as long as we try to hide these shadows, we will never be free. We not only try to hide it from our surroundings but mainly for ourselves. We don’t to accept those dark shadows. But to face them and embrace them, we can love all of us and “live more and feel more”, as Christian Pankhurst calls it. When I went to Christians heart intelligence seminar, we did an exercise called: “What I don’t want you to know about me…” – where we shared our deepest and darkest shadows. Scary, but we felt so free and close to each other afterwards. We all have them, we just don’t like them. By sharing those experiences and feelings we experienced unconditional love for each other.

So therefore these blogs are and will be about: “what I don’t want you to know about me” themes. When my darkest secrets are out, maybe I will love myself unconditionally? When I have nothing to hide, no conscious shadows, it is all me – since I have put light on them, right? It might not be pretty, but it is authentic, raw and totally exposing. Cleansing for me, maybe juicy gossip for you? 😉 And you might not feel alone.

What you read is what you get. No false promises how life is wonderful and blissful (maybe I should change the theme on this blog?). Just everyday thoughts and inner struggles, a journey of confronting the darkest shadows. Getting to know the real me, accepting all of me, not just the pretty ones.

When we lie to others we not only lie to them, but most of all, to our selves. And as long as we don’t speak the truth; we cannot be totally free, accepting and loving ourselves. That is what I believe. There is such a relief of being totally honest with oneself. Just as when my husband said; “I feel like life is a burden”.

I asked: “How do you want life to feel like then?”

His wise response was: “I have given up on that – I have tried everything for years – nothing helps. Right now I try to be with it, accept it; this is how I feel about life”.

We have been programmed to always try to change ourselves to happier, more joyful people. What if the only thing we should do is to accept all sides of ourselves – the 7 billion of them (or more). Then the inner peace and happiness happens automatically or maybe not? Do we always want to feel happy or feel everything? Because it is all us, nothing to judge as good or bad. Just sides of us that we judge as good or bad.

Transparency is the new black?

Who’s in?

 

Namaste´

 

The naked Susana